They say almost every mother is bound to get some form of the baby blues during her post-partum period... and in some cases it could even lead on to a more serious case of post-natal depression.
The first time round, I found myself breaking down in tears in front of a near-stranger in my house. I thought it was probably because I was a new mother, everything was new to me and I didn't know what to expect. So naturally I would have lost my grip on things a little.
But this time round, I would know better. I would not allow myself to fall into any pitfalls of depression and the blues. After all, I am a strong, experienced, capable, well-rounded woman. There is no need to get all mood-swingy and hormonal over a few petty issues, right? I shall not become one of those women who make the baby blues a fallback excuse for letting myself get all weak and lazy. It's really just a case of mind over matter.
So now, here I am again.
Things are indeed somewhat less hazy than they were the last time. I was able to fall into a familar flow of feeding, changing diapers and soothing baby to sleep. But then one night I found myself alone in the dark, holding my beautiful new baby, in tears. Seriously, what's up with me?
So perhaps I had to admit, the baby blues are a real phenomenon.
This list is a feeble attempt on my part to put into words, all the craziness that's going on inside me (and probably with some other fellow mothers out there as well)...
Why do I cry…
Because it hurts. Physically. The stitches, the soreness, the muscle aches, the cramps. It hurts to sit down. It hurts to get up. It hurts when I move and even when I'm lying still. It stings when I pee. And hell, it hurts when I poo. I'm popping pills every few hours like mentos. There is no escape, just bearing with it as best as I can for now.Because I am tired. On average I am getting 30 minutes of sleep at a time... on a good stretch, maybe one or two hours at most. They say REM sleep is essential to being able to function normally during the day. Well, say good-bye to that for next few months. People always tell me, just switch your brain off, close your eyes and go to sleep. How can I with an active toddler bouncing off the walls? And how can I when I'm continually kept on the edge of my seat with a baby that could wake up again anytime... whenever when I let my guard down, there she goes again.Because I look (and feel) like shit. And here come the guests. But I didn't have time to change my clothes, or comb my hair, or shower, or do anything with myself. And well-meaning friends say "You look sooooo tired, you should rest more". And then they wonder why I start laughing hysterically like a crazy woman.Because caring for baby is a lonely business. In the middle of the night, long after everyone has finished playing with the baby and gone to bed, it's just me on my own with baby. Midnight feedings, changing diapers in semi-darkness, wondering why baby just will not go to sleep. And believe me, as peaceful and content a baby seems during the day, at night they are a totally different creature. And nobody else knows it but me.Because I don't know the answer. Why is baby crying (again)? Is she hungry (again)? Is it naptime again so soon? Why? Why? Why? Everyone turns to me, the capable, experienced, knowledgeable mother who supposedly has all the answers. Maybe it's a growth spurt, or a wonder week, or gas, or just one of those days. But the truth is, I really don't have a clue why.Because I don't feel like myself. After nine months of pregnancy when my body has been going through all those alien changes, you would think after baby pops out, my body should feel like it belongs to me again. It doesn't. Physically, my insides feel all different and hollow. Coupled with the pain, everything about me feels different. Even I myself feel all different. Where did I go? When will I start to feel normal again?Because I don't know why. Sometimes there is no apparent reason why. Everything just seems comes down hard on me all at once and I simply break down.
[Next post: What helps for times like these]
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