So the verdict is out… here is the little culprit that has been behind my inconsistent blog posts for the past can’t remember how long.
We’ve told quite a few people verbally already, so no harm throwing it out open here as well I guess.
I started out with trying to journal my thoughts on what’s been happening, but then everything sort of faded away when I started to have to deal with real issues like morning sickness (in my case it was evening sickness and sometimes all-day-long sickness), tiredness and juggling with an enormous workload at the office during that time.
So until I gather my thoughts on what is happening now, here is the backlog from my journal to fill in the gap for now.
18th April: Feeling a discomfort in my breasts which has been persisting for a few days. I have been having suspicions and flickers of hope but held off as long as possible in case I am disappointed yet again. But I can’t help complaining of the discomfort. Hubby casually remarks about the possibility. So I finally decide to act. Tomorrow I will get a urine test kit and find out for sure.
19th April: I’m still debating whether to do the test. The fear of disappointment is paralysing. But I’m so distracted at work. At lunch hour I grit my teeth and go out to the nearest pharmacy. I hurry back to the office and head straight to the bathroom. I pee on the stick and wait breathlessly for the pink lines to appear. One… and could it be??? Two pink lines!!! I keep holding up the strip at different angles to make sure my eyes are not deceiving me. I quickly text hubby. He is very happy. But I’m still holding my breath until I do blood test to confirm.
20th April: I wake up early to go into the clinic before work for the blood test. Later in the office I feel restless all morning. I call the clinic at noon, “We haven’t received the results yet, call back after two o’clock”. I try to keep busy until then. I called back at on the dot at two o’clock. It’s positive. But their tone is cautious. “We prefer to continue to monitor it for a few more weeks before we confirm everything is okay”. I call dad after work. He is very happy.
21st April: Hubby starts nagging me a little to watch what I eat. I receive a message from mum “Got the news from dad. First 3 months is still early but take care and take It easy. Give thanks each morning to the Lord”
22nd April: I read Psalms 139 on the way to work today, ‘you knit together in my mother’s womb…’. Thoughts to baby: “You are so surrounded by prayers and love, you are so wanted and so loved, even before any of us have seen your face, we already love you so much!”. I can’t help having some fears and worries because of what happened before. But I said a silent prayer of thankfulness and for protection over this little one. I text Sam and Paul to tell them they will be uncles soon. Paul replies “Congratulations, me and Jun are going out to celebrate the good news tonight” and Sam responds “Congrats! Yay. Take good care of yourself”.
24th April: Woke up early to go for another blood test. Call clinic at 2pm for the results. Hormone rising well (from 4,000 a few days ago up to 6,000) so things appear to be going well. Next blood test in a week's time and after that will be the scan.
27th April: Freaking out slightly over the prospect of growing an actual person. Not so much the biological aspect of it all, but more of the reality of an actual person who will go on to live an entire life. It scares me because life can be pretty scary. My mind occasionally wanders to reminisce over childhood days, which usually brings a warm, fuzzy feeling. But now I can't help pausing over the not so nice bits... school bullies, teasings, tauntings... as much as my parents loved and cared for me, they can never shield me completely from such realities. I shudder over the thought of 'this person' having to face such cruelty. Other kids can be so cruel. I know I'm having an irrational moment, and I know the joys and wonders of true friendships, but I can't help brooding over the nasty bits right now.
2nd May: Celebrated hubby's birthday today with friends at Little Creatures in Freo. Third blood test results out - hormone levels up to 40,000... gosh, no wonder I feel like crap. This is truly 'all-day-long' sickness. When I see foods which I used to get excited about, I just feel so 'nyeh'. This is so not me. What's happening to me? I'm so sad I can't enjoy foods in the same way I used to. The one thing I do crave for is tom yam soup - had some last night when hubby and I went out for a dinner date. That ignited my taste buds. So today I bought a jar of tom yam paste and I'm going to make my own tom yam noodle soup tonight.
6th May: First scan. Specialist says everything looks good. Good heartbeat and well positioned foetus. Based on the size it’s about 6 weeks along. The specialist refers me back to the GP who will handle my case from here.(ultrasound at 6 weeks)
After that, the flow of events became a bit blurry, with my queasiness sometimes extending to the whole day. I climbed into bed as early as 9.00pm and sometimes even 8.30pm on most nights. But thankfully I’m feeling better nowadays. I’m currently 16 weeks along and having a hint of bump by now. I promise to update more again soon. Hubby frequently tells me I should continue journaling something otherwise I’d regret not having a window into this period when everything is over. I agree that is good advice.