Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A Noble Man

I have a confession to make. I have been quite a bad wife and recently did something not so right that hurt my hubby very much. I can't reveal the details because it is quite private. It's all over now, but I wanted to write about it just to impress this on my own heart... because I don't ever want it to happen again.

Part of why what I did was bad was because I refuse to see how wrong I was at first. My action was not a deliberate intention to hurt my hubby - but I think it's equally bad if not worse to hurt someone out of ignorance... i.e. I was not even thinking about it... that's bad because I'm not making a concious effort to check my actions to see how they might affect others. Thoughtless... very thoughtless. I think C.S. Lewis wrote something like that... that the "thoughtless kind of unkindness is the worst kind".

Okay, what was worse about the situation was that hubby was currently away on site during this whole episode. So we were communicating solely via mobile phone about this... which added to the difficulty.

I'm very bad with certain types of confrontation. So each time we tried to talk about this, I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to just say I'm sorry (but I did anyway) because just saying I'm sorry doesn't mean anything unless you do something about as well. But I didn't know what to do to make it up.

This went on for a few days. We avoided the subject and just kept our calls short and sharp to update each other on essential matters. It was very uncomfortable. I was behaving terribly by not doing my part. But I was just so frustrated that I didn't know what to do.

Finally, hubby did the most noble thing. He told me over the phone that he decided to close the matter, forget about it and put it behind us... and he doesn't expect anything of me, except that we move on.

The moment he told me that, something broke down inside me. What a horrible person I've been. How could I let things get this far.

The next day, I sat down and wrote a long email to hubby. It was the sort of email we haven't written to each other in a long time since our early courtship days. It wasn't exactly a love letter, but in the email I just put all my thoughts down into words. Not trying to justify or explain my actions. But I did say I was sorry.

I know this is getting mushy, but I just needed to share another thing that makes him so wonderful.

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